Do I Really Know What I'm Doing?

Often times, I get complimented on my parenting style or the behavior of my boys and I think to myself, Do I really know what I'm doing? Or am I winging it so well I've even got myself fooled?

No parent would ever admit that they have absolutely no clue what they're doing, in fact it's the complete opposite. I'll be one of the first to admit that I'd rather chew nails than show a hint that I I am completely losing my mind and am totally disorganized. Oh no! I'll smile and act like my son pinching his finger in the hinges of his eye glasses was all part of the great scheme to make another parent believe that I had it all planned out and I AM GLORIOUSLY BETTER THAN YOU!.  Oh! I'll smile rather than show defeat. - Ha! Are you convinced yet?

When being a parent is more competative than the olympics, you come to face the evils of other parents snares, unwanted opinions, and potential gossip topics among other parents - especially in that darn PTA! The school playground becomes this magnified setting of the high school cafeteria with moms gravitating into certain cliques: You've got your PTA Moms, The Volunteer Moms, The Veteran Moms, The Newbie Moms, The Outcast Moms, and the Moms that have no clue what is going on so they'll micro focus on their child close enough that they avoid eye contact with any other moms. And once in a while they'll blend together with that familiar fake smile and total ingenuine concerning stare while you speak but then all guards go up and you question yourself... why is she even talking to me? Does she even know my name?

I am not perfect in any way, I actually enjoy my imperfections as a parent and I'm okay with telling my boys, "Ooops! I did it again!" and "I'm sorry, I was wrong!"  Being humble in my short comings and taking accountability for it without the emberassmentis something I think my children should witness. I mean, well of course, I'm this almighty super hero adult that does nothing wrong in their eyes. But shouldn't they see that?

Shouldn't other moms see that and understand? Or have we become a suburban society in which imperfections are frowned upon rather than embraced? Have we set the bars in our little Martha Stewart communities that imperfection means failure? Is that the tone we want to set for our kids?

When did the tables flip and our children are now bragging about their parents participation in school? When did that happen and why? As if our children didn't have enough pressure as it was, that now they have to come up with reasons as to why their parents aren't at school functions or why their moms aren't on every single committee?

I read an article a while back of how children learn more by their parents actions than their words. Let's face it, as children ourselves didn't we learn how to have selective hearing and tune out the nagging wails of our parents? We watched our parents say one thing but did another, told us never to curse but turned around and screamed profanity when their favorite team loss, or said don't ever bad talk another yet whispered sweet gossip inot another parents ears? I mean really!

I've noticed I'm a victim of my own crime, I preach but never practice, but I'm learning. Just the other day my son said, "But you said those kids were stupid for going to that after school program." GASP! I what?? I did? I tried back paddling and convincing myself that I didn't say that but then that damn memory came back and BOOM! I did say that... CRAP! I could have lied and said I didn't but what would that teach my boys? I told them I must have had a really bad day and just didn't feel like going into detail why we couldn't afford to take all three of you to the after school program, so like a 5 year old, I exclaimed, "They're stupid!" and I was wrong. Silence. Didn't hear a word from them after that. Wow.

When my boys know that Mommy really has no idea what she's doing? They know that I'm at least trying and in the process the humbleness I display while doing so only teaches them that even in adulthood there is so much more to learn. And a lot of those lessons are taught by them to me. What greater power is there than for a child to know their significant role in their parents lives?

So.... Do I really know what I'm doing?

The answer is no, but if in my failures you can learn a thing or two with me? Is that really something to be emberassed about?  

I know. I mumble a lot.